Smith+Fritzy Blog

As I’m approaching thirty, that age we all thought is super old when we were children, I’m looking at things differently and trying to understand why we become “old”. Music is probably one of the major things that comes to mind when I think of this.

Last night, I was at a photography class and there is a mother and daughter in the class that have a lot of talent. The daughter began asking the teacher about how to shoot live performances, specifically local bands. Well, that was my old scene when I was her age and I was thinking to myself, “I probably look like an old dude to kids like her now.” I look in the mirror, looking for those things that signal “old” to a kid. Physically, I still look like a kid. I’ve always been mistaken for way younger than I am. Hell, I was carded at the movies when I was 27 by a pimply-face teenager.

One of the first things that made me start feeling old was losing interest in new music. I became my friend’s dad who would rock out with his old friends playing old Cream and CCR songs and thinking they were with it. When I was a teen, I was the rebellious kid who played punk and rock music and thought music was made the world go ’round. And thinking this morning, I remember I used to think, “the perfect girl would listen to all the same music I do.” It made me wonder now why that was so important. And it came simply to me: Identity.

Music is important to teenagers because its how they begin their own self discovery. For me, it gave me my identity. You could make certain generalizations about me because of the music I listened to. In a lot of ways, that’s how the cliques were formed in our school - by the music they liked. There were the kids who listened to country, the kids who listened to rap, and the ones who listened to everything were the ones that faded into the background a little. But it makes sense that most of us lose interest in new music as we get older because we’ve slowly defined ourselves and we tend to stick with the music that helped define us in that crucial identity creation time in our lives.

I know who I am (for the most part) and music isn’t my identity anymore. It hasn’t been and that’s why I’ve felt like an old music curmudgeon because I don’t care anymore. I like the stuff I grew up listening to, I’ll listen to new music if it strikes a chord, but I’m not like that girl in my photo class anymore that goes to the club every weekend to listen to local bands and genuinely cares about the music.

We’re now moved and settled back home. It took about 5 days to drive across the country, Fritzy was a good boy the entire way, and there were no flat tires or getting sick along the way. It was actually a very beautiful trip this time around. Last time, we drove in April. Kansas was the biggest boring state to ever drive through. But this time, I actually liked Kansas. One evening, there was a beautiful sunset against hills of giant windmills. The next morning, we had to stop at a local tire store (I thought I had a flat, but didn’t) and they were so genuinely polite and nice.  Instead of fields of wheat, there were fields of sunflowers and all sorts of other crops we didn’t see coming out.

Coming back, with the market the way it is, we were tempted to buy a home. Everyone here is selling and the prices are very affordable now versus before we left and everything was outrageously exaggerated. There were beautiful homes in the historic downtown that I would love. Our favorite was one that was recently restored and was just breathtaking but it was out of our budget… but it was the home I’ve always wanted. Original hardwood floors, high ceilings, lots of windows and light, and a very cute front porch. Maybe one day. For now, we’re apartment dwelling and its good for now. I think its easy to rush into situations and find yourself buried after a while because you were too green when you entered.

The things I really like about moving back…

• Convenience. There’s no more driving three hours to get to the movies, to go shopping, to re-enter civilization. Its been such a shock just being able to drive down the street and have a bookstore or video game store available… or even fast food other than a Burger King in the local jiffy.

• Selection. What they have at the grocery stores here are actually pretty different than back in the West. Oh, and we went to an IKEA and was so awesome.

• Family and Friends. I think I’ve done more outside of work in the last few weeks than I did the entire time I was living out West. I’m going to photography club once a week, I eat dinner out with family and friends, I take Fritzy over to run free in grandma’s backyard, and I don’t feel completely alone. And it’s interesting, but I actually don’t feel distant with the people I left back West. I talk to everyone frequently since I work with them still and nothing feels like it changed, if not just for the better.

• Winter. What’s winter again? There’s no feeling creeping up that a bad winter is on my tail. It’s awesome. I know that sounds petty to people who grew up with winters and snow and ice and whatnot, but to someone who never has, it became overwhelming. Six months of snow didn’t sound bad when I was moving out there, but in reality, it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever lived through.

• Fast Internet Connection. It’s so awesome.

So that’s enough for now, I just wanted to update and let you know that I’m back to blogging and you’ll see posts more frequently. Bye!

No, not a long shot. Today, I shot for about four and a half hours straight with no breaks. I’m only amateur, I’ve never done too much pro work like this - only a handful of things. But this was like a marathon of photography. My main tools were a Canon 20D, which overall is a really nice camera although not having an auto ISO selector sucks. I shot most of it at 400 ISO, so I’m hoping the noise isn’t an issue on these older bodies. I know on my Pentax that noise wasn’t really a factor until I hit 800, but 400 and below always looked pretty similar.

At any rate, I shot probably about 1000 photos today of about 100-130 different pedestals (its for a big art show). They ranged from small rings and necklaces to huge headboards and doors. I am definitely a macro shooter. Akiko says that graphic designers tend to be macro shooters. For me, I enjoy being able to control the shot - its much easier to compose when the scale is smaller. So today, shooting these large pieces was difficult. I mainly shot with a 50mm f/2.5 but would change to just the kit lens every now and then for the huge pieces.

I have to say overall it was pretty fun. I’ve never shot like that before. I mean, I think on my Pentax for the past year, I’ve only put on it maybe 800 or 1000 shots total. I hope this coming year I will do a lot more since I won’t be out of commission for six or seven months because of snow and winter.

Tomorrow is the even bigger day. I’m shooting a fashion show. It’s a little easier since it will only be about 1-2 hours total, but I’m using the monster L 70-200mm f/2.8 IS. I’ve got my tripod ready, but I’m not sure if I need to handhold it. I don’t think my arms could manage holding that lens up that long, though. It’ll be really interesting to see how this turns out. I’m glad I’m not being paid just in case it doesn’t work out super well, but I’ll try my best - that’s all I can do.

I just had a daydream while blankly staring outside my office window. It was of me, sitting at a desk looking out another window of a friend’s office back home. Then I thought how queer it all was.

Weeelp, we’re moving. After 2.5 years, we’re going to head back home. It was an extremely difficult decision. So let me share the little story that may interest you…

My wife’s mother was diagnosed with stomach cancer almost a year ago now. In the past months, things have gradually gotten worse and my wife went to be with her for a few weeks. She made a decision, one most of us would have made, that she needed to be closer to her mother and family. Among other countless things, this took the cake and we made the decision over the weekend that it was just time.

One of the reasons this was a difficult decision was because I really enjoy my job. I love designing magazines. I think its dying, I don’t know how much time the art form has and as its my profession, not many jobs open up doing this sort of thing. I didn’t want to leave the job. So I came up with a plan.

Monday morning, I came into the office and told my employers I wanted to meet with them. We made plans to meet the following afternoon. That was a long time, by the way. I prepared a proposal, showing why and how it could be done and that there was no reason not to keep me on.

I was actually shocked when they agreed. Not because it didn’t make sense, but sometimes you just need things to fall in your favor and whenever big things come up, I put on the attitude “either way, something will happen.” You know, just not trying to get your hopes up. It gave me a little bit of confidence actually but has gradually worn down in the passing day.

Writing contracts is not fun. I’ve had to do it a few times before. Most of them back then were about three sentences long. This one is about two pages. How to judge whether one is doing a good job, how the pay works, how much notice either party has to give, probationary periods, etc. Its all a bit… real. So I think of things like, “What if they’re just leading me on for a few months until they’ve got someone else lined up to come in?” I guess its fair, but what we’ve discussed is a long-term agreement, not just three issues. So do I need to keep aware of jobs while I’m still working? Its basically living on the edge of this contract that there’s a few months guaranteed, but not long-term like a normal job.

But I like that at the same time. You don’t keep a sense of “I have to do this forever,” but more like, “What am I gonna do next?” I want to do more with my life and I sort of get peeks and flashes of it, but not a full picture. I think I’m getting there, though. At least I feel like this is taking a step in a better direction. At least I can be with my family, I can actually celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving this year, I can go swimming, hit the beach. SoBe isn’t the only thing to take my mind off of the monotony my life had become. I actually quit drinking it about a month ago.

Two posts today popped up about doing what you’re good at and not what you like and following someone else’s advice. So I want to extrapolate on my comments about their posts.

1) I do things I’m good at. I feel bad for taking up space that I know someone who LOVES what I do would kill for the opportunity. I go in and out of enjoying my work, but the fact is there are many other things I want to accomplish in my life but I’m held back by my own fears and self-doubt. So to tell someone do what they’re good at rather than what they love? You’re telling them to accept mediocrity, to not follow their dreams, and to be fearful of not having a job. How, you say, the last one? You’re doing what you’re good at for job stability. There is no such thing as job stability. The end. Your points otherwise in your post are moot and don’t further explain this horribly bad concept.

Sometimes no advice is better than bad advice.

2) Solicited or unsolicited, people don’t want your advice. They may ask to hear it, but they don’t necessarily want to take it. I don’t know if I’ve written it here or not, but people don’t go to therapist because they think they have all of the answers they’re looking for. If they did, they would only get frustrated and move from person to person. The fact is a good therapist is one that listens and asks good questions. As advice givers, we are the best when asking the questions that make the advisees ask themselves the REAL questions they have. We try our hardest in life to have answers but the only real answers we have are those that come to mean something to us personally. When we give advice, its not our part to make sure the person follows it so no anger/frustration shoud become part of it.

8020 Publishing made the announcement that they’re “suspending” their recent launch, Everywhere magazine. Now I am not against 8020 as a company or anything of the sort. I just have issues with their business plan, business practices, and maybe even part of it is having these ideas that I would be absolutely interested in, but for some reason I’m very put off by them.

Firstly, I’m not going to talk about this. Its been talked about enough, its not the point of this post, but it is something that has really tainted their company’s perception.

I want to talk about why Everywhere is not being published currently. At the very beginning of its public introduction, I just didn’t get it. I mean, I really should be their audience. I’m an amateur photographer, I’m a magazine designer, I believe in magazines as a medium… so how come I don’t get it?

1) What are they doing that no one else is? There’s lots of books out there that you can buy when you’re interested in traveling to a place. There’s magazines that will give you tons of information about specific locations you’re looking to visit. There’s AAA that will give you maps, food, and lodging information. So what is Everywhere’s value?

2) Is user generated content helpful or hurtful? As a reader of a publication, are you looking for a travel photo/written journal? Is it presented as such or is it presented as having valuable information? Is having your content done by amateurs, talented or not, going to help sell your magazine to people or lower the worth of the content?

3) Would I submit a story and photos for the magazine? I wouldn’t because I’m spending a lot of time creating content for a profitable book without real compensation. Compensation doesn’t decide amateur or professional. In Japan, there’s plenty of photographers who spend 3/4 of their time making their living from photography, but because of that 1/4, they don’t call themselves professionals. To lower your own self worth is something I don’t believe in, no matter if you’ve been published or not.

4) Would I buy the magazine? I haven’t yet. I love magazines, too. Both Everywhere and JPG should be easy choices every month on my buy list. But I’ve never purchased them, before or after the incident. Would I buy a magazine that focused on specific photographers, amateur or not, that interviewed them about their life and their craft, and how it influences their shooting? Yeah, more than likely.

I could go on some more, but I’m getting a bit tired. I don’t mean to mix JPG and Everywhere, but in all honesty, when they announced Everywhere, I just thought “Okay, a JPG with only travel photos”. It wasn’t enough to make for a new magazine. It missed key parts of what a magazine is, what a book is, and what a website is. It felt like 8020 was trying to build a brand of “UGC” magazines… like, a food one after this, then a fashion one… actually, that doesn’t sound half bad… but I digress… they’re still going to have similar issues as Everywhere has. Your content has to have value before it will be purchased and Everywhere never found its value.

However, I get a feeling the real reason they’re “suspending” is because they figured it out finally and are pairing up with an outside company, more than likely web, to add that missing value to their magazine/website/POD. Either that or it won’t be coming back.

Dreams are of the unconscious, but they shouldn’t be predictive, right?

Last night, after waking up at 4 AM and falling back asleep, I had a terrible dream. Its one that I’ve only had once or twice before - in concept, not recurring. So my dream last night, I hear a big boom, and we all go outside and see a huge cloud to the west. I can always see the cloud even though it could be several states away. Go back in, turn on the news, no one is reporting on it. Go back outside, tons of missiles are launched from our side going somewhere else. Go back in, still nothing on TV about what’s going on. Then Bernie Mac comes in, says he isn’t feeling good. I look at the back of his neck and there’s a bolt stuck in it, as if from the blast somehow even though it was so far away. I tell him to lay on the gurney and not tell him about the bolt there. Its understood he passes away. Then I wake up and read first thing Bernie Mac died. The coincidence is too much, though… I don’t even really like his humor or movies very much. I won’t go too much into the rest of my dream, but man… I hate when they feel that real.

I write a lot. Most of it I delete nearly after I write it. Even comments on other blogs, I will write and write and then just never post it. Well, over the weekend, I wrote a really long post about control. The reason I didn’t post it was because something just didn’t make sense about it to me.

To summarize, my post about control was about letting go of it and how its binding to be so controlling. I’m glad I didn’t post it, though. I’ve come to the conclusion by not taking some control, we’ll never get to the place we want to go. While we have to be open to other doors that we may not expect, it still takes control in order to follow the new paths.

The reason I came up with this is because last Friday, I had a major panic attack. It was really sudden and out of nowhere. People say that’s how they come, but this was really out of nowhere. I was sitting at my desk and could feel I was about to pass out. I wasn’t thinking about anything, I wasn’t really stressed about anything. I went to the doctor’s because I thought I was dying. Fortunately I didn’t go to the ER, though. I was competent enough the whole time to rationalize that I wasn’t going to die, although my past and future passed through my mind while waiting for the doctor.

Friday night, I was feeling fine again but as I would drift into sleep, I would wake up as soon as I was almost out… short of breath, like a mini-panic attack. It didn’t last long at all, just for that moment, and then I would jump up. Saturday, I felt better, slept fine. Last night, all screwed up, way worse than Friday night. I was never able to get into normal sleep, waking up constantly, then being so afraid it would happen again that I would just stay up for a few hours, until this morning when I finally got about an hour of sleep.

I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was going to have to be committed. It was the worst feeling I’d ever had and for this one reason - I wasn’t in control. So after this long post about how we need to give up control, I realize now how giving up control loses who we are and its really one of the only things that allows us to really understand ourselves and to choose our paths.

But the second part of this is that I’ve found out the allergy medication I’m taking is causing these attacks. The doctor on Friday said it shouldn’t be, but after doing my own bit of research, I’ve found that some people have anxiety and panic attack issues while using Nasonex. This whole time this weekend, I was scared that someone was going to have to put me on medication to control the panic attacks, but it always seems to be these foreign inhibitors that cause most of the problems to begin with. I rarely take medicine as the side effects tend to be worse than the actual symptoms. The only exceptions I really have are antibiotics, ibuprofen, the occasional cold medicine although I tend to stay far away from those, too.

Yesterday, when I was reading my new book at the bookstore, I ran across a part that asked “do we hear our call when we’re older?” and Campbell replies, “No. We almost always hear it when we’re young. Most times we repress the song until it shows itself later in life, if ever.”

It made me think if I what my song was… what was the call I heard when I was young. I feel like it had to be before my fateful day of crying in the car because I was going to be a salaryman. I must have known before that where I was supposed to go because I knew where I didn’t want to go.

Talking with my sister this evening, we both acknowledged that as teens, we never imagined wanting to live in our hometown. But now, later in our life, we see our lives there. My early teen dreams were to follow all of my artsy friends to SCAD. That seemed to be everyone’s goal. What about after that? Never got that far. To be honest, I never got further than college even when I was in college. I was still pretty lost after graduating. I always felt I was moving in the right direction, but in actuality I was just doing what I could do.

One of the things that occurred to me today, though, is that when we’re on our journey, you have to differentiate that gut feeling that comes with the loss of security and the gut feeling that is telling you that you’re getting off the path. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions. The right way isn’t always the easy way. That’s a hard thing to accept. I think most of us do prefer the easy way but it leaves no room to complain when you say you’re bored with your life because you’re working just to get by.

I woke up this morning with that terrible Boost Mobile ad song running through my head… a line that lil’ chingy or someone says, “they wouldn’t give it to me, so I had to take it.” I always interpreted that as very egocentric… very current rap-about-money-and-cars motif. But it changed meaning to me as the one line kept running through my head. It’s actually a very wise line. And then it was reflected in further reading today. “Do we make our own luck then?” Campbell replied, “Precisely.” I think we tend to wait for people to recognize hard work, good ideas, etc. but the fact is once we take control of our journey, where we’re headed, we have much more control over the outcome of things.